Yesterday was a terrible day, no a disastrous day, a total meltdown. One of those days where everything lined up and coincided and produced the perfect storm. I must complain that I hate chemo, it sucks, its frustrating, it’s painful and when I am not mindful of this monster it gets the best of me, which is what happened yesterday. Normal non chemo life, I accomplish things, I do lots of things, if I want something I never feel the need to ask for help, I just get it done, and oh, I can squeeze in a batch of bread and cupcakes if I need to, this has always been me.
The habit of not asking for help is like swimming at the beach in the ocean waves, if you get knocked down, get up and either get out of the water or learn how to manage the waves. I’ve always learned to manage the waves through gulps of salt water, sand in my shorts, and I walk out when I am ready—OK so I don’t go in the waves at the Jersey beaches, but its my attitude right! Yesterday the waves knocked me down, rolled me around, pinned me against the ocean floor until I yelled help and oops I’d forgotten to ask someone rescue me.
I had two simple things to do yesterday– forgetting that during chemo at certain times, two is too many, and nothing is ever simple, I had Pilates and I needed an eye exam. What transpired was completely my fault, was in part due to my stubbornness, and hopefully will be the last time I entangle myself in such a predicament.
Added to those two simple things I wanted fresh bread and when I actually want to eat something I try to take advantage. I considered calling Miriam and asking her to make me some of her vegan challah, but she was at work and I knew it was an easy recipe; I could throw it together after Pilates. Go ahead, roll your eyes, say, “really Barb, really are you that dumb”, yes I am.
Pilates went well, Lynn is getting to know my days and when and how to push me and I went out tired but feeling OK. I waited for Tom and wanted to ask him to come get me for my eye exam so I didn’t have to drive myself, but I really wanted to go home and lie down before the exam…so I left. I got home and threw together the challah dough (I realize at this point you are calling me a fool, an idiot and other non sequiturs) and collapsed for 35 minutes. I drove to my eye exam and realized I kept driving around and around the parking garage trying to find a parking space when I noticed I couldn’t “read” the signs. I had developed a migraine and the visual aura had taken over my field of vision…now how in the world was I to take an eye exam if I could not see to read the charts?
End of story, I took some migraine meds, the aura left my field of vision, I took the eye exam and went back to the car with a funky pair of sunglasses the office gives you to make it home with fully dilated pupils. I thought I was home free until I looked at the clock, 4:30PM and I was going to try to get home from Oakland. I should have called Tom, left my car, had him take me home, but I was already in the thick of things. 45 minutes later I made it safely home. It was the confluence of bizarre and unrelated events that pushed me into an inescapable vortex forming the perfect storm; all that was left to do was sleep.
Today will be a much better day, I will do nothing, Miriam will come help me at lunch and the perfect storm for me, for today –is over. Who ever considered “help” to be the most difficult word to utter?